First, you talk too much. Because you are trying to cover all bases, you feel you must tell your donor everything. As my client Jane says, "I try to always remember that we are having a conversation, not that I'm there to give a lecture." She asks questions, then waits - no matter how long - until her donor talks to her.
Second, you present the wrong level of abstraction. In an effort to be comprehensive in talking with your donor, you have a huge canvas with organization-wide results. But what your donor wants are a couple key details. What did my gift mean to little Joe? Most donors can't comprehend everything you do .... and probably don't want to.
Third, avoid punch-words. These are non-communicative expressions, like "You know" or "Right" or "Okay." They don't communicate. Jerry Seinfeld says, "I'll spend an hour reducing an eight-word sentence to five words because the joke will be funnier." Make your time talking filled with the best communication words you know.
Jane says, "I try to remember the 80-20 rule - my donors and prospects do 80% of the talking and I do 20%. It well applied in this situation.
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